Housewife Porn, disguised as fiction.

After finding myself reading housewife porn the other day, disguised as a mystery (mystery author and everything!) I decided that there must be a trip to Half Price Books….. soon, because I must have been getting desperate for reading material. In the meantime, I need to get something off of my chest!

Why is it that in fiction all boy/girl parts anatomy must be regarded as "her sexuality" or "his pulsing member". You know that vagina and penis are just not words that turn anyone on. I mean, really, do people hump? No, they don't. But, I guarantee you that any couple, who has children, when given a precious night alone, doesn’t spend hours and hours, “languidly stroking every inch of her body, until, at last she cried out and he entered her, completing their union of souls and bodies.” I guarantee you it’s more like, “Yeah?” “Yeah!” followed by a ridiculous sprint to the bedroom and 15 or 20 minutes of furious noogie before you both decide it’s time for a shower and then go catch up on Downton Abbey.

Characters names must be outlandish things like River Stone, Paradiesie, Dimitri, or Whitney McAllister IV. No one has names like Matt Smith, Carrie Parker, and Winnie Douglas…..nothing simple. I have you know that Matt Smith, at least the one I know is a fabulously complicated character. And a total hottie.

And the past! Do go on and on and on about them...in a manner that makes the reader wonder if they missed the beginning of a series, or if they should continue reading to find out why the hell it's trudging on through the minefield of life. This is a fine line though, and must be handled carefully; otherwise your reader may get distracted by their gray hairs and toddle off to dye it pink...or something like that.

Don't forget that the person in charge is always an ass who somehow represses and antagonizes the main character. In reality, the behavior of Dr. House or Michael from The Office, would spell "lawsuit". However, it is considered acceptable in fiction. If you're confused as to what I'm talking about, please Netflix either show.

Bonus points for mentioning anything from 9/11. Because nobody is sick of hearing about that shit yet. Least of all me. Don’t start with me. I’ll get up on a soapbox so fast it will make your head spin. Just. Don’t.

It's acceptable to write book after book containing similar scenarios and/or similar characters. Even if they're not actually a recurring character in a series. No one will notice. Trust me. And your themes of great and tragic loss followed by a finding of oneself and a gaining of inner peace, well, you’ve been working that angle for 40 years. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a best seller. But I quit reading you a long time ago. I picked up this book, hoping for something new.

No one expects you to venture away from what you know, so feel free to have every single book you write take place in the same geographical setting. Southern California, Maine, or La-La land for example. And please, keep the same supporting characters throughout all of your novels. You know what I mean, the overly bubbly man who pumps your gas and maintains your car, the surly teenager at the drive thru, the hipster barista….I swear, it’s GOLD….too bad snarky doesn’t translate.

And never, ever, ever consult a thesaurus. Feel free to use the same words repetitively like sluice or bougainvillea. Oh, while you’re at it, throw that dictionary away too. Forget how to use spell check while you’re at it.

Pregnant characters must always go into labor at the most inopportune times, because fight or flight instincts don't exist. And labor and delivery must be swift! So swift that no one really has time to prepare and little Alexander Christian Bonaparte McMillian is wrapped in the work jacket of a local tow truck driver who just happened to be in the area.

When characters find themselves in a foreign country they must be masters of the local language. Having your character flipping through their English to Japanese dictionary muttering "What the fuck are they saying!?" just doesn't come across the same. True, it would be realistic, but not entertaining. Real life situations are never entertaining.

Women will never start their periods in the middle of the jungle. It just doesn't happen, so don't even think about writing it. Oh wait! Women in novels don’t have periods! Don’t write about the messy bits of life….ever…so droll.

It doesn't matter if your character is smack dab in the middle of the African jungle or Disney World, they must always have the darnedest luck and run into the bad guys.

Even if the bad guys are armed with automatic weapons, bazookas, tanks, or Atomic bombs...they will miss hitting the good guys, because they took all of their target training with Stormtroopers. Alternately, the good guys can take out fifteen bad guys with a BB shot from a frazzled straw found in a dumpster. I mean kill them dead. Seriously, earlier today when I was held up in a Quick Trip I fashioned a restraint system from a toilet roll and a trash can. The cops were amazed at my ability to thwart a criminal.

No one ever utters "There is no way you’re paying me nearly enough to take this shit."

After reading the housewife porn disguised as a mystery book I wondered how any self respecting author could look at themselves in the mirror after writing some of the nonsense that I read. I developed an appreciation for paragraph long PG rated sex scenarios. They had sex....and now we're moving on. Maybe it's the perpetual 12 year old in me, but I couldn't help laughing at some of the crap that I read. I was embarrassed for them.

I will never get that time back. Ever.

Now, as a writer myself, I know writers who commit all of the above errors. Trust me, when I’m in the heat of the moment, spell check, dictionaries and thesauruses are NOT at all what I have on my mind. I’m trying to get characters in and out of sticky situations, arranging horrible fights with family and friends or writing a sex scene that won’t get me stuck in the “Adult Fiction” (aka Housewife Porn) section. Fleeing, fighting and fucking my friends. It’s what makes stories for me.